Introduction

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Pain and suffering

Some pain comes with being alive: loss, illness, disappointment, the fact that our time is limited. A lot of our suffering, though, comes from how we respond to that pain: fighting it, replaying it, or arranging our lives to avoid ever feeling it.

The first pain is unavoidable. The second one is the one we add.

That distinction is practical. You can’t control the first kind, but you can learn to add less of the second.

From the traditions

The Buddha described being struck by an arrow, then striking yourself with a second one: the pain of the event, followed by the pain of resisting it. The first arrow happens to us. The second is the one we can learn to put down.

The research

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), constantly trying to avoid or suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings is called experiential avoidance. Research reviews link it to worse mental health across many conditions, and ACT works partly by reducing it.

Source: Hayes et al. (2006), Behaviour Research and Therapy.

Putting it into practice

Try this

Next time something painful happens, pause and ask:

1. What’s the first arrow? What actually happened?
2. What’s the second arrow? What am I adding: the story, the resistance, the replaying?
3. What would it look like to put the second one down, even a little?

Open question

Is all “second arrow” suffering worth reducing? Some resistance, like grief, seems like part of loving someone. Where’s the line?

Linking

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